Using the cards in the right state of mind
One thing I want to combat with Witchling in Flight and my writing is the tone of articles on the Internet about how you should do this or that, but don’t give you the author’s experience with it. So much of what I read these days is about how this person did something, and you can do it too, or BuzzFeed lists of “how to” that have no personal voice. I grew up with blogs and LiveJournal and teenagers on the outside trying to find a place to fit in on the Internet because we couldn’t find our place outside of it, and that’s the ideal I hold in my head for what we all could be when we share our stories here. I want to talk about things from my experience, not from scientific trials and research conducted by big companies. I want to tell you what I have found to be true to my soul, and I want to hear your stories too.
So I can’t lie to you about why I’m not able to pull any cards today.
I keep reading all these articles about how to care for your friend with depression, or how it really feels, or “there are more people with depression than we think, we should be talking about this!”, and it never makes me feel like I’m being spoken to as a person. Depression is one of my chronic illnesses, and it’s been flaring this week. I don’t understand why, and I do all of the things I have learned over the years to take care of myself, and sometimes it’s just not enough. The flood of voices in my head eager to tell me I’m worthless, have no value, that no one wants me around sometimes gets too loud and crashes all of my barriers.
Yesterday was one of those days.
I am better today, I think, because I am at the point of being able to recognize that those feelings have nothing to do with me or how my community sees me. But those feelings and thoughts still take over, and it takes all the energy I have just to be awake and survive until I can fall asleep again and hold out hope that in the morning I’ll be stronger. That sleep will reinforce the barriers between the real me and the voices telling me I don’t belong to this world.
Now it’s morning, and they’re reinforced, but still not blocking all of the evil thoughts in my head.
Part of the reason I have had such a hard time staying connected to Tarot when I first got interested in it is because I was in such a deep depression at the time, and I refuse to read the cards when I know my judgment is clouded by my mental illness. It’s now years later and I spend more days happy with myself than not, but I still believe that I shouldn’t take out the cards to read for others when I’m feeling this low and this stuck behind a dark cloud. So this week, I’m going to focus on other things, on trying to distract myself to a better place. It might show up as some extra blog posts about other journeys of self discovery. It might just become knitting and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation for many hours this week. (I’m so happy to be knitting!) I might just set up a few blanket forts in the living room. It’s all okay. I’ll get through this, and come out on the other side again, and then I’ll pick up the cards and be delighted to find my way back.
5 thoughts on “Using the cards in the right state of mind”
I’m sorry to hear that, I can absolutely relate to those periods of time. I’m just climbing out a depressive episode myself. Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself. Blanket forts are a great idea. I need to try that one! 🙂
Depression is a hard thing to deal with.
(Also the worst thing about those posts about “how to care for a person you love if they have depression” is that it often reminds me that I /don’t/ have someone who would do that for me in my life and makes me feel worse. How /does/ one magically summon one of those people into your life anyways? I’d like advice on that.)
Good point about the “how to care for your loved one” posts. I think I’ll try to remember to tackle this in a future blog post.
I love what you say here about “shoulds” and writing our own experiences. I totally agree with you and yet, ironically, I probably have been that person writing how-to-do-a-thing from a distance. It’s tricky, sometimes, for me to remember that someone might value my personal experience, that it’s worth sharing. I still have the voice that says “who in the world wants to hear about this?” Your piece is a much needed reminder to stay centered in my personal experience. That someone might want to hear it. Thank you for being real.
You’re welcome, Siobhan 🙂
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