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January is a hard time

January is a hard time

The weasels have slipped out. The brain weasels have gotten loose of their cage, and I’ve been too busy making myself busy to catch them again and lock them up. Over Christmas and New Year’s, I spent ten days with my family, my parents and sibling, because it’s been so long since we’ve all seen each other and we needed that. One of my mom’s goals was to have me go through some boxes of old things and ruthlessly decide to get rid of math notes (and chemistry notes, and biology notes, and some English notes, and definitely language notes I no longer need). That part was fine, but some of the things I found rattled my core. I found evidence of a creative, driven, artistic little girl… and I don’t recognize myself as that anymore. I didn’t get a good chance to cry about that, though, because I was trying so hard to be strong for other reasons. It was hard.

Now I’m back home, and it’s still hard. I am keeping myself busy with knitting (which my wrists would like me to stop doing today, thanks), cool television, and volunteer commitments. I haven’t pushed myself to take a time out and figure out what’s going on with myself, because I’m so afraid of what I will find.

This time of year is always rather fraught for me, so I’ve been telling people about how much better it is this year, but that doesn’t mean it’s all that. I’m so focused on being able to breathe enough to survive right now (hi asthma flare!), and to get through every day, that I’m not working toward the things that are important to me. Part of the reason is that I’m so scared. So scared that someone will tell me how stupid I am to try to take the LSAT, and confirm my doubts. Scared that someone will point out that I will never get good with my beloved Tarot cards, because, duh, you’re nothing special, SJ. Stop pretending you ever had anything to offer.

And I looked at the pile of things that little girl I once was created, and I grieve that she’s lost forever. I fear I can’t ever get her back. I know that most of this is my depression and anxiety telling me lies, but how do I get through that? I have so many hopes and dreams that seem unreachable—especially since I’m spending all my time lately worrying about the simple act of breathing, which turns out to be not so simple when you’re me.

I’m sorry. I wish I could say I’ll do better, and update this blog, and make the design happen, and ace the LSAT, and breeze through my upcoming surgery, but I fear that’s an empty promise. I’m too far gone into the desolate wasteland of my mental illness right now. I hope someday you’ll forgive me.

Looking Forward 26 October 2015

Looking Forward 26 October 2015

Things I am working on:

  • Setting up a web development environment on my computer
  • Spending hours reading state laws and tax considerations
  • Playing with new accounting software to understand how things work

Okay, when I get obsessive, I get obsessive. But I always have to take a minute to step back and re-evaluate what I’m avoiding when I’m in moods like this. Am I putting something off? Did I tell someone I would do something and then completely forget about it? If I completely forgot about it, is it because it makes me anxious? Am I avoiding things?

Anxiety is a mental illness that makes my brain run down pathways that keep me from doing the things I need to be doing. So while I am glad I’ve done the things above, and there is definitely more that needs doing with the web development part, I knew today I had to stop for a minute and reset my brain. Running in circles does not make things easier, SJ.

What did I find when I forced my brain away from the drug of the new shiny projects? I still hadn’t sent an email to my care team that I’d meant to on Friday. I was really behind on some grassroots outreach I said I’d do. And I had completely forgotten about a project my dad sent me. These are the reasons learning how to manage my mental illnesses is so important. My brain likes to direct me to thoughts that keep me stuck in bad habits. So every few days I need to stop. Reset. And think about something else in my life and see what comes of that.

Do you get into habits too? Where you just keep going down that rabbit hole and don’t know how to pull yourself out? It’s hard not to, isn’t it? Let’s see what the Tarot says for the week, maybe through the lens of “reset your mind, back to basics”.

Three Halloween Tarot cards scattered face up over the face-down cards: Nine of Pumpkins, King of Bats, and Knight of Ghosts

Nine of Pumpkins

As the first card, the Nine of Pumpkins wants my focus: this lady of leisure knows how to enjoy the sensual parts of life. The message to me is that it’s time to take a break and remember the feel of earth beneath my feet, cooking delicious food, and re-orienting myself into the sensual. Get out of my head for a bit. My head can get over-analytical and run in loops. My kitchen could use a cleaning and I could use some baked goods, so focus on that a little more.

King of Bats

The King of Bats here emphasizes mastery over business and legal matters. I’ve done enough research in the last week while waiting for things to process. I have these matters handled, like the King of Bats. He supports the Nine of Pumpkins in the message that this time, I can relax and take care of myself for a bit instead.

Knight of Ghosts

I’ve seen the Knight of Cups a few times recently. In this spread, he’s not telling me to listen to the undercurrents of a situation and navigate the waters smoothly, he’s probably focusing more on the fact that I’ve been more introverted and introspective than usual lately. I’ve stopped talking to people with my obsession lately. That’s not how to keep my community going. I miss them, and I don’t know how to express that properly. So it’s time to bake some bread (Nine of Pumpkins!) and bring it over to a friend’s and talk about what’s going on with me.

I’ve been forgetting to do my one card draw the last few days (… or week) and these cards also want to remind me that I learn so much about myself and work on different perspectives when I take my cards out every day. So I had better make sure I do take out my cards tomorrow and work with them again!