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January is a hard time

January is a hard time

The weasels have slipped out. The brain weasels have gotten loose of their cage, and I’ve been too busy making myself busy to catch them again and lock them up. Over Christmas and New Year’s, I spent ten days with my family, my parents and sibling, because it’s been so long since we’ve all seen each other and we needed that. One of my mom’s goals was to have me go through some boxes of old things and ruthlessly decide to get rid of math notes (and chemistry notes, and biology notes, and some English notes, and definitely language notes I no longer need). That part was fine, but some of the things I found rattled my core. I found evidence of a creative, driven, artistic little girl… and I don’t recognize myself as that anymore. I didn’t get a good chance to cry about that, though, because I was trying so hard to be strong for other reasons. It was hard.

Now I’m back home, and it’s still hard. I am keeping myself busy with knitting (which my wrists would like me to stop doing today, thanks), cool television, and volunteer commitments. I haven’t pushed myself to take a time out and figure out what’s going on with myself, because I’m so afraid of what I will find.

This time of year is always rather fraught for me, so I’ve been telling people about how much better it is this year, but that doesn’t mean it’s all that. I’m so focused on being able to breathe enough to survive right now (hi asthma flare!), and to get through every day, that I’m not working toward the things that are important to me. Part of the reason is that I’m so scared. So scared that someone will tell me how stupid I am to try to take the LSAT, and confirm my doubts. Scared that someone will point out that I will never get good with my beloved Tarot cards, because, duh, you’re nothing special, SJ. Stop pretending you ever had anything to offer.

And I looked at the pile of things that little girl I once was created, and I grieve that she’s lost forever. I fear I can’t ever get her back. I know that most of this is my depression and anxiety telling me lies, but how do I get through that? I have so many hopes and dreams that seem unreachable—especially since I’m spending all my time lately worrying about the simple act of breathing, which turns out to be not so simple when you’re me.

I’m sorry. I wish I could say I’ll do better, and update this blog, and make the design happen, and ace the LSAT, and breeze through my upcoming surgery, but I fear that’s an empty promise. I’m too far gone into the desolate wasteland of my mental illness right now. I hope someday you’ll forgive me.

Looking Forward 29 September 2015

Looking Forward 29 September 2015

Maaaaybe I’m moving this to Tuesday.

I needed a serious break yesterday! With all the mystical and spiritual things I got up to between Friday and Sunday, I was pretty tired—and I needed to catch up on some of my volunteer work. This week is the final week of comment collection for something I’ve been working on for four years, so I’m working on a final push for comments and social media rallying around the cause. Plus we’re hosting a great event on Monday night to celebrate the work we’ve done over the years, so I have to be available to work on the final details for that. It’s going to be quite a ride!

And, of course, I still haven’t made that one doctor’s appointment I’ve been meaning to amidst all the hustle and bustle. I’m striving toward balance, and not sure how well I’m doing it. Let’s see what the Tarot has to say for me this week.

(All of my cards have been soaking in the wonderful Blood Moon energy!)

IV The Emperor

The Emperor Tarot card from the Fey Tarot

King of his domain. Rules material matters. Associated with Aries, which rules the full moon this month. There are dominant, commanding people in store for us this week. And, he’s suggesting to me the victory with my volunteer work that I’m looking forward to at the end of the week!

VII The Chariot

The Chariot Tarot card from the Fey Tarot

The Chariot is reminding me that everything changes and the journey keeps going on, and that I am going to have to decide after Friday what my primary road is going to be. Do I keep working at the level I have been or do I back off a bit? It’s hard to back off, because there’s always so much out there to do, but sometimes necessary.

Ace of Pentacles

The Ace of Pentacles from the Fey Tarot deck

With the Ace of Pentacles as my last card, I know I have the ability to begin again. Aces are always at the start of a journey, and this is a journey toward making oneself comfortable at home. Maybe it even wants to remind us to take some time to meditate and ground ourselves in our daily lives. Maybe it also wants to remind us that we’re able to take care of ourselves with the skills we have now. Those skills will also help us down the path to financial security, so have confidence in them!

That’s all I got tonight. It’s starting to feel very autumn in my parts, and I’m looking forward to a cosy evening in with people who make me smile. Hope your week is starting off great!