I pretended for too long last week that I’ll be okay and that my body will be fine if I push through and work as hard as I can. Saturday and Sunday my body told me in no uncertain terms that it does not work that way. My body needs me to rest, to sit still for hours, to use as little brain and body power as possible while it knits my lungs back together into usable pieces.

Attempting to rest leaves me restless. I have too much time to compare myself to others. There are too many shoulda, coulda, wouldas circling around my head. Too many things I was supposed to do, ways I was supposed to conform.

And that’s not my path right now.

Last night, I did a simple Past, Present, Future spread for myself.

Card 1: Past – XV The Devil. Expectations to grow up, get a job, find a career that interests me. This is the devil I know, and it is eating me up inside. Why do I subject myself to this? Because I assume it’s the only way. Is it really?

Card 2: Present – XIII Death. This may be the first time I have actually drawn Death. In movies and TV, when Death is drawn, it’s a melodramatic affair. Who will die next? Everyone asks. That’s not what Death stands for. Death stands for a metaphorical death, the same kind of death as controlled brush fires in a forest: the death of old so that something new can come in. This might be the very real death of my expectations and ideals of being “normal”. And it’s okay to grieve that, so long as I am not stuck in that grief.

Card 3: Future – 8 of Chalices. One official meaning of this card I read is to work with limited resources. Which is what I have right now: limited resources for good health. Another friend suggested that this is another analog to Spoon Theory. Fact: I don’t have enough spoons right now. Conclusion: Time to work with what I have.

This card shows a Fae about to embark on a long, solitary road. My first reaction is relief – I’ve been trying so hard to make “being a sociable person” work, but if I can successfully take care of my needs while walking a solitary road, I would be content. In that respect, the card promises better things for me. I just have to let Death take over all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, clear the ground for me to walk my path, the one meant just for me.

Looks like an auspicious time to try out a new journey and stop fitting myself into the mold that has never worked for me.