I’m sitting at home near a candle that’s not burning as perfectly as I’d like and thinking about what I should be writing. I know I should be writing, because it calls to my soul. But what should I be writing? And do I have the confidence to write it?
I was emailing with my friend Libby over the weekend, wondering if I could ever write again. I wanted to, I have big feelings in my chest that need to get out, but how do I write? I’m not sure how to anymore. Libby said: just write. Free writing will take you where you need to be.
So here I sit, with some poetic music playing, and writing for everyone to see.
Over the past few years I’ve become really afraid of blogging publicly. So many blogs these days are written by the point of view of someone who has it figured out, whatever “it” is. I don’t. I feel scared and small, and if I start focusing on the things that scare me, I panic and the monsters get so much bigger than they really are. Then I’m paralyzed with fear.
Instead of focusing on the things that scare me, I’ve started ignoring them, and letting myself hold on to things that make me confident and proactive. That’s why I am researching so much about starting a business in my state (but waiting a day or two more to actually register). That’s why I forget to write here. Because I want to stick to safe topics, ones that I already know, because that’s what people do in the blogosphere these days.
That’s not who I am.
Who I am is a timid explorer, still trying to hold xyrself steady on xyr feet. My legs are shaky, my balance sucks, but I can still take the steps I need to to keep going. I might hide from the big truths for a while, but I am fascinated by them, and I want to grapple with new ideas and play with words. I don’t want to be the woman with the big truths. I want to be the fairy with the musical laugh, asking the right questions to provoke insights for others.
So I will stumble, and I will reach out, and I will try new things, and I will have faith in myself and the people around me. I will pay more attention to the journey than the destination.
I am a witchling in flight, and I dare you to uncover your own truth.